Femicides are predictable and that means preventable

In almost every femicide at least one person outside the intimate relationship knew something was terribly wrong. They just didn't know what to do.

I successfully left my abusive marriage almost 20 years ago. It wasn’t easy – far from it.

I finally left in 2004, but 20 months passed before my 19-day divorce trial presided over by Justice Kenneth Langdon. It would be another eight weeks before a 66-page judgment was released awarding me sole custody of my five children. Thank you, Justice Langdon.

I was homeless and lived with friends and relatives during those 22 months. I continued to see my children daily and had them every other weekend.

As months passed I was told to prepare myself for the worst because my ex was going to use status quo to claim that he had been the principle caregiver during my forced absence. Dragging out the divorce and child custody process is a tactic used by abusive men who then claim the children’s ‘routine’ should be maintained and they should be given sole custody.

When push came to shove, even my ex’s ‘expert witness’ could not say that he had ever been a good or present parent and recommended I be given sole custody.

It also helped that Justice Langdon recognized and understood the elaborate controlling and abusive tactics employed by my ex-husband.

However, not every woman, nor her children, are as lucky as I was.

During the time I was forced from my home, I made use of the services available through my local women’s shelter and women’s shelters in towns my friends lived in.

The courage it takes for a woman to leave her abuser is immense. Unfortunately it is not enough. It takes an entire community.

According to Statistics Canada, 70 per cent of all spousal violence is never reported to police.

A woman is assaulted an average of 35 times before she calls the police.

It takes an average of seven attempts before a woman leaves her abuser for good. But once she leaves, her chances of being murdered increase nine-fold.

The Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Accountability reported one woman or girl is murdered every 2.5 days by an intimate partner, family member, or someone she knows.

All of these numbers increase significantly for Indigenous women, women of colour, immigrant women and women with disabilities.

The ultimate goal of my abuser was exactly the same as every other abuser – to maintain control. When I tried to leave, the abuse, also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), escalated exponentially.

The World Health Organization defines IPV as “any behaviour within an intimate relationship that causes physical, psychological or sexual harm.”

Some forms of abuse are easily identifiable, while others are subtler. The abuse is not always physical. It can include financial abuse, cyberbullying, stalking and the manipulation of children. The abuse will escalate over time.

IPV has nothing to do with love. It’s all about power.

IPV is not a woman’s issue. This is a man’s issue because they are the ones inflicting harm. It is also a human rights issue.

Granted, not all men are abusive, but we need those men to be allies in the fight to eradicate violence against women, their children, trans women, 2-Spirited Peoples and non-conforming individuals.

Chances are you know a woman who is living in an abusive relationship because the reality is that half of all women in Canada have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence.

The Ontario Domestic Violence Death Review Committee (ODVDRC) was established, “to assist the Office of the Chief Coroner in the investigation and review of deaths of persons that occur as a result of domestic violence and to make recommendations to help prevent such deaths in similar circumstances.”

Unfortunately, under Ford, the ODVDRC has not published an annual report since 2018.

Based on its extensive research, the ODVDRC committee established a list of 39 risk factors common to all femicides. The top 10 factors include:

• A history of violence (72 per cent)

• Pending or current separation (69 per cent)

• The perpetrator was depressed (54 per cent)

• Obsessive behaviour by the perpetrator (53 per cent)

• There was an escalation of violence (49 per cent)

• Prior threats or attempts by the perpetrator to commit suicide (44 per cent)

• Prior threats to kill the victim (44 per cent)

• Prior attempts to isolate the victim (42 per cent)

• The perpetrator was unemployed (41 per cent)

• Victim had an intuitive sense of fear toward the perpetrator (38 per cent)

When several of these factors occur simultaneously that’s a clear indication of impending lethality.

In almost every case at least one person outside the intimate relationship was aware that something was terribly wrong. However, individuals are reticent to take action because they don’t know what to do.

The ODVDRC committee maintains that intimate partner femicides are predictable and preventable.

Woman Abuse Prevention month is a time of heightened awareness and opportunities for the public to learn more about this growing global pandemic.

An invaluable resource is the Neighbours, Friends and Family (NFF) website. There you can learn the warning signs of abuse and how to safely intervene before it becomes lethal. The NFF site provides information on running your own lunch and learn at work, places of worship, and for interested community groups.

There's information on identifying and helping a woman at risk; how to talk to men who are abusive; safety planning for women who are experiencing abuse; and a wide array of videos and information to share.

While it takes a tremendous amount of courage for a woman to leave her abuser, courage alone is not enough. So, the Ontario Association for Interval and Transition Houses (OAITH) is once again holding its annual Wrapped in Courage campaign.

Contact your local shelter to purchase a purple scarf to wear throughout the month and especially on November 15th the day we all shine a light on women living with, leaving, and healing from domestic violence.

Each November OAITH publishes its annual Femicide List -- an accounting of all of the women, and their children, who have been murdered by intimate partners, family members or acquaintances in Ontario during the past year.

The 2022 -2023 OAITH Femicide List will be available at the end of November. Previous years are also available through that link.

November is a month to learn more about how to become an ally and stand in solidarity with all women, children, trans women, 2-Spirited Peoples and non-conforming individuals living with, leaving and healing from gendered violence and femicide.

Thank you for shining that brilliant purple light this November making it impossible for femicide and gendered violence to hide in the shadows.